Hansel & Gretel - Issue 4

My mum and dad have recently decided to separate, and I’m ok with that. I want them to be happy. But my dad has decided to come and live with me in my student house whilst he finds a new flat. I want to help him out, but he’s been here for weeks now and shows no signs of leaving. I don’t have the heart to ask him to leave.
Jon

H: Right, basically I’d normally advise you to grow a pair of balls mate, but something tells me I’d be wasting my time with you. The only option you have is to move out. If he’s been there for a few weeks now, then he has rights. Trust me; I know this from my squatting days. Daddy has been very clever about this one. But don’t worry. Life on the street can be a joyous one. Well, not really… but you get to drink a lot of cider. So chin up.

G: Why don’t you use this precious time together to bond with your father? Moving away to uni normally means that you leave your lovely family behind, but you’ve been lucky enough to bring a part of your home life with you! You should be happy! Why not try to involve your dad in some of the group activities you do with your friends? Like a nice game of scrabble or charades? If you’re hospitable enough, the rest of your family may want to come and live with you too, and that would be fantastic fun!

I feel ugly and pathetic… I’m not sure what to do with myself, does everyone feel like this?
Sara

H: No! What, are you high? You’re writing in to me?! Asking if I ever feel ugly or pathetic? Are you fucking stupid too? I rule! I am both consistently and constantly amazingly handsome and utterly awesome. But you know what? I’m going to help you out. You say you don’t know what to do with yourself? Ok, here’s an idea. Go get me a fucking coffee and then hide under a rock until I say it’s ok to come out… Which will be never.

G: Oh come on Sara, don’t say that. Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way, like a precious little flower. Sure we all feel down about ourselves from time to time, but you have to remember all the people that love you. Why not have a night in with a few close friends, watch Titanic and eat some Ben and Jerry’s… unless of course that when you say you “feel ugly”, you mean “are fat” then maybe a carrot would be a better option honey. Hugs! xx

My new boyfriend can’t climax during sex. He just got out of a major relationship and I’m wondering if this means he’s not over her?
Jessica

H: Well, yeah I suppose that could be the case. Getting over someone you’ve loved for a long time can be very difficult and maybe you just need to be patient. If he really did care for his ex, then sleeping with you may still make him feel like he is cheating on her and blah blah blah….

The much more likely option is that you’re really fucking crap in bed.

G: Well, I’m little surprised that you’re already thinking about intercourse, especially if this is such a new relationship. Shouldn’t you be courting? Going for walks in the park? I hope your at least using protection, although I suppose it doesn’t really matter at the moment.

Well I suggest that you just slow things down, if he was in a long relationship with his ex girlfriend then there is every chance that she was the only person he’s ever slept with. Sex with a new person may make him feel uncomfortable, but he won’t ever admit it as this will hurt his pride. Best thing to do is give him a comforting pat on the head, a hug, and tell him you understand. He’ll thank you for it. x

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