Hansel & Gretel - Issue 2

I really like my boyfriend and we have a great relationship, but whenever he sees a ‘fit’ girl when we’re out, he always points her out to me. I’m not sure if he thinks I’m one of the lads or is trying to make me jealous, but it’s really starting to ruin my self esteem.
Samantha

H: Basically babe, what your boyfriend is doing is totally reasonable. He is merely pointing out what a ‘fit girl’ is and what you should aspire to. He doesn’t want you getting too comfortable with him, wearing sweats all the time and not shaving your legs ‘coz that should really be against the law anyway. Us guys have to keep the female species on their toes. You should always be aware that we WILL dump you for a hotter version if you begin to slack… So it’s really for your own benefit. Therefore your boyfriend is actually being really fucking sound with you by giving you a heads up. This way you can keep up to scratch and prevent him from abandoning you. He must really like you if he is taking such preventative measures. What a thoughtful boyfriend you have.

G: You need to seriously consider how much this boy cares for you and what his true intentions are hun. If someone really cares for you and loves you, then they wouldn’t ever consider making you feel this way. That’s just plain mean! Grrrr! You need to talk to him about how this makes you feel. If he is totally clueless to what he is doing AND is sincerely apologetic AND stops doing it, you probably just have a dumb boyfriend. Somebody needs to love them thought right? Hope that helps sugar :)! xxx

My girlfriend is really provocative and flirty with me and all my mates, I’m sure she’s faithful and that she’s totally into me, but when I get her home she hardly ever wants to actually shag. What the fuck?
Chris

H: Fucks sake dude, she’s definitely not in to you if she ain’t letting you have your way with her once you’re in the bedroom. Do you make the mirror crack by any chance or not fit through doors? Because that would explain it. It’s more likely she wants to tap one of your more dashing mates and is using you to keep in close proximity . Once she has her claws in though she will forget you ever existed. Basically, you need to boil your face some and see if the situation improves. If not, send me her number, I’ll see her right. Better one of us gets something out of this right mate?

G: Obviously your girlfriend has very low self-esteem. She is shy underneath and doesn’t feel good about herself. This explains her behaviour to seek a little attention from the boys to make herself feel beautiful. Maybe you are not giving her enough compliments. You need to give her more attention so she feels better about herself and her appearance and then she will have the confidence to be intimate with you. Please try to be more tentative and compassionate about her feelings.

I’ve been sleeping with one of my best friends at Uni, and I’m starting to develop really strong feelings for him now. But we only really have sex after a night out or when we’re drunk, so I’m not sure if he’d want a future together or not?
Percy

H: Hey, hey sugar tits, calm down, he’s a student yeah? He can’t afford to pay for this kind of stuff. You should take peace in mind that you are contributing to the health and well-being of mankind by providing this very convenient service of helping your friend to unwind from the stresses of the student lifestyle. Therefore it is vitally important that you give him sex whenever he wants at his request. Otherwise you may be responsible for his failure in university due to him being stressed out to buggery. That will ultimately weigh on your conscious for all eternity, is that what you want? Therefore I would seriously take on board my wise advise and maybe throw in some handcuffs now and again so he doesn’t get bored of you. You have a job to do. Gods speed!

G: Percy darling, I really feel that you could have a future with your best friend. He obviously adores you as why else would he make love to you? And don’t they always say your true feelings come out when you are intoxicated with alcohol? You need to tell him how you feel and be honest with your feelings for him. You should tell him as soon as possible! You are wasting precious time that you could be spending together. You will be walking up the aisle in no time ;) xxx

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