Hansel & Gretel - Issue 3 | 4Q Magazine

Hansel & Gretel - Issue 3

by Hansel & Gretel on 29.05.09

I’ve been dating an older woman for a few months now, but recently whenever I mention that I’m looking for a house next year, she insinuates that she’d like to move in. I do like her, but I’m at uni and way too young to be living with my girlfriend!
Julian

H: Julian dude, you are totally right. No way are you ready to play house with some saggy boobed Martha Stewart! You are in your prime and should be visualising more of a bachelor pad as your next move.
Don’t get me wrong, the time you have spent with this veteran milf is probably one of the best investments in your life. But you must now use all the knowledge and practical skills you have obtained young one. When word gets out that you’ve binned an experienced older woman in your pursuit of further sexual encounters your reputation will subsequently precede you, and will ensure that your pad has a healthy flow of fanny traffic, resulting in a very successful bachelor pad!

G: If you really like this lady you should just explain it to her. Say that you do like her very much, but your just not ready to make to make such a big commitment yet. Suggest to her that you will consider it in the future once you have left uni, but right now is your time. I’m sure she will understand. Be honest with her as honesty is one of the essential elements to a successful relationship and will bring you closer together. You both sound very mature, I’m sure you will work this out. Best of luck ;) x

I think I’m going to be dropping out of uni soon. It’s too hard and I literally don’t think I have the mental capacity to continue. Just wanted to say bye. Bye.
Mark

H: Do it. There are so many other exciting professions out there such as a Medical sales representative (drug dealer), Actor (porn star), Bike hire shop owner (pimp), pharmacologist (crack fiend), Herbalist (full-time pot head) and a handyman (rent boy). So weigh up your options and assess which role will suit your qualities and skills the most. Then bingo you’ll be destined to be a high flying success in your chosen career, just don’t get caught.

G: Sometimes uni isn’t for everyone. Before you make a final decision double check by consulting your stars, Jupiter is in it’s eighth quarter at the moment, so it may not be the best time to make a move. Just make sure you weigh up all the facts so you don’t have any regrets. You could always maybe apply to do another degree which suits you better. It’s not the end of the world and being happy is the most important thing in life. So just follow your heart and I’m sure you will have made the right decision.
:) x

My ex girlfriend keeps ringing and texting me, asking me to have sex with her. I’ve told her that our relationship is over, but she doesn’t seem to get it. I’m worried she’ll ruin my chances with anyone else.
David

H: Dude, this is perfect. You essentially have an on call sex pest at your disposal. Let me spell this one out: this is every guys dream, so to be honest I don’t really know what the hell your complaining about.
Picture the scene: your out on a night out and fail to pull because you suck. Ring. Ring. Problem solved.
Or, even better option: your on a night out and you succeed to pull because your awesome, like me. Ring. Ring. Situation has been upgraded to defcon threesome, more technically referred to as “the fucking result”. In fairness, this does require your most recent conquest to be game, but then again, if she isn’t, then you’re picking the wrong type of girls my friend.
This is totally a win win situation, so stop being such a little bitch about it and fill your boots.

G: Your ex-girlfriend obviously still has some strong feelings for you, and is using sex as a means to hopefully win you back. However, if you are sure you do not want anything to do with your ex you need to explain to her in a nice way what you feel and that it can’t work, and say to her that she should want to be with someone who wants to be with her back and that she will find someone right for her. Hopefully she will understand, and begin to get over you, one day at a time :) xx