Hansel & Gretel - Issue 5

My girlfriend sucks her thumb in her sleep. Her flatmates say it’s cute and I shouldn’t worry about it, but it does bother me… I’m not sure what to make of it?
Brian

H: Well you could always give her something else to suck on?…heh… OK, well for an answer that’s not quite so blue you should probably look into trying to train her. Think about it. Dolphins don’t jump through hoops in the wild. Dogs piss on the floor until you train them not to.
As far as I understand, all you have to do is punch them until they learn. Try slipping a bar of soap into your sock before bed, and when that thumb drifts up to meet lip. WHAM! See how long she can keep it up then!

G: Awww, that is totally cute, I really don’t see what the problem is. Why don’t you try to understand her a little more and start sucking your thumb too? Maybe you could interlink arms and suck each others thumbs? That would be sooooo cute!

I borrowed my boyfriends laptop a few days ago, and I’ve found loads of links to really weird porn sites in his history folder. Is every guy like this or should I be worried?
Helen

H: Yeah, every guys is like this. What was it? Tea bagging? Donkey Punching? Bestiality? Yeah, even I’ve whacked off to a goat in my time. Her name way Daisy. It’s totally natural.
Think about it this way, would you rather he gets it out of his system on his own time? Or would you rather that the next time your snuggling up together, he leads in an Arabian midget called Akbar carrying a double ended dildo and a blowtorch? It’s your decision.

G: Well, I have to say, it certainly doesn’t sound normal. Why would anybody want to look at that type of website when they already have a partner? How weird is it? It’s not like three people or anything like that is it? That would be gross. Maybe your better off just going to stay at a friends for a while. Also, call the police.

Why do I need to use conditioner?
Mitch

H: What the fuck is conditioner?

G: Well, conditioner has been used by man since we first started living in groups over 400 years ago. Conditioner is found in the roots of trees and is actually what makes our hair grow. It’s just one of those things you need to make sure you do everyday, like brushing your teeth or painting your nails. It may be a bit of a hassle, and I know it doesn’t taste great, but even doctors recommend you drink around eight pints a day.

Image Gallery

Bookmark with:

Comment

1. omg i remember when i got caught looking at porn with my family members on…My boyfriend dumped me straight away.

   — Andrew Lomas · Oct 28, 03:26 PM · #