Hansel & Gretel - Issue 6

I’m carrying my boyfriend though uni – I tell him what lectures he has and when, I even go to the library to get his revision books and make sure he has money to get some dinner! I thought it might inspire him to do more if I helped out, but now he’s doing even less than before. How get I get him to pull his weight?

Helen

H: Pull his weight? What are you? High? Do you not realise what’s going on right before your eyes? Men are thinkers Helen, this dude doesn’t sound lazy to me. He sounds like a fucking genius. Not only is he studying for a degree, but he’s probably thinking about really important stuff too on top of that! Maybe it’s the best sniper position at any given time, or how far a ninja can throw, or what would happen if you put a jet engine on a hot air balloon. If we don’t think about these things then tell me who will? I’ll tell you who… the French, and then where will we be? Fucked. The least you can do is sort out some of the more menial stuff for him, and you should be grateful for the privilege. In fact, go get him a coffee right now. Poor fellow.

G: Aww Bless.  Sorry Hun but I think its really sweet!  Training him to know when his lectures are, taking him to the library for walkies, feeding him.  Its like having an adorable wittle puppy dog- only not so messy!  That is unless he does poo poo’s on the floor?  He doesn’t does he?  If so I have the number of an excellent therapist poppet…..

I can’t concentrate on uni work whilst I’m in my room. I’ve missed a few lectures and I need to catch up, but I can’t even bring myself to open a single book.

Katie

H: Don’t worry about it love. Who ever learnt anything from a book anyway? Think about it, books don’t contain knowledge, they contain ideas and rules and restrictions so that ‘they’ can keep your tiny mind locked up in a box. That’s the truth that ‘they’ don’t want you to know. I myself am free from such oppression, because I have never read a book in my entire life. Trust me kid, reap the rewards of my enlightenment. I may be the only one you can trust.

G: Oh God I know!!  Some days I struggle to reach the end of my OK magazine!  Is there maybe a hunk on your course you could have as your ‘study buddy’.  You may not get any work done, but you could end up in a beautiful relationship… Or perhaps Uni isn’t for you?  I hear Primark are always looking for ‘clothing technicians’, or if you want somewhere more challenging- Harvey Nicks darling!  Think of the discount!!  The other day I saw a handbag to simply DIE for……….

Hey H&G, I got a problem. I’m seeing this girl and it’s all good, but her sister is like, smoking hot. I don’t wanna date her instead, like do a swap or nothin, but shit, I’d give anything to tap that ass just once.

Blu

H: Go on my son. You’re at an important stage here between being a man, and becoming a legend. But on which side of the fence of fate will the penny of fate fall on and where in the river of fate will your cookie of fate crumble into the cuppa of…. fate. Actually ignore that, that doesn’t make much sense at all. Think about it logistically, what are the pros and cons? I mean, on the good side, you’ll get to tap a sweet ass, you’ll be a king among men, and I’ll even offer up the high five. But on the down side you have to look at…. erm… well…hmmm. Looks like there is no real down side to this one you lucky thing, its a total win win situation. Get in there and give her one for me.

G: This is just AWFUL!  How COULD you?  Why can’t you EVER be faithful to just one woman?  What IS it with you!!……..Er sorry, got a little carried away there….  You could try it on with your girlfriend’s sister but please remember honey we girlies do tend to stick together especially when related, so…..if your fond of your testicles, I suggest you may want to re-think sugar. Kiss. 

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