Hansel & Gretel - Issue 7

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now and for a long time I haven’t been happy. I want to break up with him, but every time I try to, he breaks down in tears. I just don’t have the heart to leave him until I know he’ll be alright on his own.
Vic
 
H: Jesus H Christ Almighty, what a little bitch. Who the fuck cries when they get dumped? I can see why you want to get rid hun, not exactly fucking Rambo now is he? What he should do, what any man in they’re right mind would do is utter that simple nine word phrase: “whatever dickface, I was going to dump you anyway”. Maybe that’s a ten word phrase, depends if you count ‘dickface’ as one word or two. Anyway, that’s more advice for him than for you really. What you need to do is just nut up and accept that this little shit is going to winge regardless. If your really struggling on how to phrase it though, just give him this magazine and tell him to read this next sentence. YOUR FUCKING DUMPED DICKHEAD! ALSO YOU ARE A LITTLE BITCH! FUCK OFF! Hope that helps.
 
G: Now darling, quite simply your boyfriend craves company.  You need to get him one of those life-size companionship dolly thingies. I got my boyfriend Brad one so that whenever I popped to the shops he could sit next to it (pretending it was me obviously), hold her hand, watch a romantic dvd etc. NOW, when I leave him he’s so content!  Why I’m barely out of the door and he’s ‘pumping her up’ bless him. Yes hun, get him one of those- trust me, he’ll hardly know you’ve gone.

There is this guy living in my halls that I really fancy. He’s a mature student, four years older than me and he doesn’t even notice me. how can I ask him out when he doesn’t even know I exist?
Sophie
 
H: Yeah bummer, whatever. You need to look on the bright side of situations more darlin, forgive me for saying so but you don’t half sound like a miserable cow. I mean come on, even if there is totally no hope for you, there is always refuge in the fact that it could be worse. What if for instance instead of the guy not knowing you exist, he actually didn’t exist and you were obsessed with a figment of your imagination? People would think you were fucking mental and you’d probably lose all your friends. Infact, how do you know that this guy is real? Do you have any proof? Maybe you are mental? If you ask me babe, you could have much bigger problems than your failing love life.
 
G: Sophie sweetness, I’d like to say find out about the course he’s doing, his interests, hobbies etc. so that when you do bump into him “literally”…or trip him up ( I find both of these work equally well) then you’ll have something in common to chat about…  But, to be honest In my experience no matter how old they actually are or how intellectual they think they are, most men do enjoy a bit of breast!  So darling wear something nice a revealing- trust me, once he’s peering into a cleavage that looks like the motorway path through the chedder gorge- you’ll be home and dry……..

I really want a girlfriend, but I’m not very confident or attractive. I watch how my flatmates are around girls and try to copy it, but I just get really nervous as I’m concerned that they’re judging me. What do I do?
Andy
 
H: Listen man, despite what you may have been told or read or have seen in a Disney movie, there is not someone for everyone. That hot chick would not touch Quazimodo, Bella would not tap the Beast, and Jasmine would… actually Jasmine might get down with Aladdin, she seems the type, a bit dirty. Some people are destined to live alone. It’s a simple numbers game, the world is overpopulated and to sort things out, more ugly people are being born. Its like natural selection or evolution or some shit. You my friend are simply on the shitty end of the stick. On a lighter note though this means that you’ve found your purpose in life; to not get laid. You’re welcome.

G: Andy Andy Andy…One thing you need to know about the female species is that unlike you men, we are not shallow. We need so much more than a good looking guy with a fit bod and a clever chat up line to get us interested. We love nothing more than a sensitive, thoughtful, romantic guy- which, I’m sure you are. And, although you do sound a little bit of a minger poppet, I’m sure your a beautiful person underneath which LOTS of women will find alluring. (Next time you’re out trying to pull though darling, might be an idea if you flash plenty of cash around the ladies just to be on the safe side…….)
 

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