IMHO - Byte Sighs

The internet, by and large, was a bloody terrible idea. Beset with snares, rotten with traps which lay in wait for those unwary drifters through the ether, that which once was a communication and learning tool the likes of which, some assessed, may even help us evolve along our next step toward enlightenment has turned out to be… a great big shop, full of arguing nerds and really weird porn.

Imagine an Asda, 2000 miles square. Gives you the chills doesn’t it! Particularly those of you that live in Hulme. Just imagine! Anyway… On the upside, this Asda is big enough to stock just about anything you could ever desire and, as such, is pretty much the only shop you’ll ever need. Everyone you know (and everyone you don’t) shops there. Every shopper in there wears their heart, their status, their every wild and wooly notion, on their sleeve and expresses every opinion and feeling they have in a thousand words when a dozen would do. One in five shoppers is a “fucktard” and there are no staff anywhere should you ever have a simple question or a piece of feedback about your shopping experience. Nobody in the employ of this megastore is remotely accountable for anything. You do NOT want to go anywhere near the top shelf in the magazine department and, if you do, your every step from the moment you take a peek will be tracked through every isle. Not only does your shopping basket hang over your head, but your browsing habits are on display for all to pick through, too.

The fine, otherwise elusive wares on display and the enormous, well stocked library are the highlights. Sadly the only people who frequent the library are there to find that shred of supporting material they need in order to finally p0wn that last pesky F-tard, and be crowned King of the Dweeb People once and for all, for yay, their Stargate Atlantis knowledge is unparalleled and lo, here is the proof, and thou shalt be smited for thy doubt.

But you know me; I hate to overkill a metaphor. I hope you can see my point, such as it is. The internet was supposed to help us grow. Wasn’t it? As much as any one of us (including myself) would be quick to admit we really can’t imagine life without the web, having asked around, I’m finding it hilarious that so few people use it for anything necessary or even interesting. Ask yourself; how quickly do you run out of internets in a given session? If you’re anything like most of us, you have maybe three or four sites you regularly visit, perhaps daily. Once you’ve scoured them, you’re done. The sensible thing to do at this point would be to switch off the computer and go outside. Or have sex. Or write a book. Anything. But no. Nowadays we have Facebook, we Twitter, we have statuses to update, friends, relatives and acquaintances to enthrall with our every wittering brain fart. “I’m sitting down, woo!” Thanks to the fabulous advances of social networking we can no longer even escape the past. “You have a friend request.” Oh shit, who is it? What did I do, what do they know, what do they want, who IS IT?

So we update our publicly accessible selves daily, whether we have actually developed our private self at all or not, lest we fail to maintain the awe of our peers for even 24 hours. We make famous the gossip fodder, for the way they will always be relied upon to keep the good stuff coming. Imagine a fan of Elvis Presley back in the day; starved of new information about their idol they would pounce on every tidbit as and when it became available. Thanks to the internet, today’s stars are required, by our insatiable demand, to keep themselves firmly in the public eye, in competition with each other, to maintain our awareness of their every move, to such an extent that they often fall apart under the tremendous pressure of not only exposing themselves so very far, but the added grief of inventing trauma where there is none in order to stay in the headlines. Kerry Katona, Katie and Peter Andre, Britney, Mischa; it would be easy to feel sorry for them, to sympathize with these most harshly battered of our internet victims, if not for the fact that they were of course, to a man, worthless, self serving twats.

The evolution of war; of terrorism, racism, hate crime and indeed, hate and crime, have all enjoyed a steep upward curve thanks to the accessibility and anonymity of the internet. It has affected our planetary lifestyle to such an enormous extent that it is difficult to imagine anything which has influenced our way of life so heavily since the advent of the wheel. It is so firmly embedded in our way of life that to remove it would be to blind us, hobble us and cause global panic.

During which, we would no doubt have conversations, forget a lot of useless nonsense and breathe more fresh air than many of us have in a decade.

All your base are belong to Jon Gardner.

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