The art of Driving

by El Smit on 21.04.11

Freedom, is what you get when owning a car, or a horse or a large dog. Walking is rubbish, unless your surroundings are pleasant there is something about walking through an industrial estate which makes walking seem monotonous and suicide inducing. Plus its always the case that you’ve gone out, forgotten to have a tinkle and have no choice but to pee up the side of a back street building. Then, boom, you’re caught with you pants down! Last thing you want is an involuntary cavity search….

Anyway if you’re new to the world of driving, or just want to refresh your memory, then this guide may just be what you are looking for!

Before we start lets go through the check list to make sure you have everything you need….

1. A car?

2. The right car, has it got something that distinguishes it? All cars need character, like a set of savage rims, or it’s a really sudden colour, or it has a bit of rust in the shape of a cock…..

3. An eclectic choice of music, its hard to please everyone

4. Petrol, it wont move without

5. Eye sight, not going to be too safe if you’re blind

6. And finally the usual insurance, tax, blah blah blah. Paperwork!

Ok, you now need some lessons, that should help you get close to driving test standard. Before taking you test I think its important to remember the below factors!

Be in no doubt about your basics. Memorize all the traffic rules, regulations, signs and symbols. (You only need to take note of speed cameras and pedestrians, have a finger scale devised so you and passengers can rate how hot they’re)

Be aware of one-way roads and lanes. Going in the wrong direction could cause immense damage to yourself and others. (Waving your hands, flashing your lights and high speed will get anyone out of the way!)

Fasten your seat belts before you switch on the ignition of your car. Never forget to do this as this could prove to be a life saving factor in the face of an accident. (If you don’t have a seat belt use stick tape, that stuff is strong and child proof!)

Ensure that you are alert and that your focus is entirely on driving. Avoid talking or getting distracted while on the road. (Try keeping you text messages brief!)

Always use both your hands and no matter how confident you become, never try to steer the wheel with only one hand. (The real skill is in steering with your knees, you score 10 and the respect of your friends if you can parallel park with no hands!)

Last but not the least, have patience and bear in mind that constant practice will surely lead to eventual perfection. (If by the third month of driving you haven’t punched another road user you’ve failed as a driver and a person)

Ok, that’s the basics covered. If you have any doubts after reading this about you capabilities behind the wheel you should probably just get a horse, no paper work, thing drives itself and you can dress as a knight which is bad ass!

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