The Art of - Necromancy

Necromancy? I hear you say in an ill-tempered and disapproving tone. Before you turn the page you maybe mistaken as to the meaning of this word i.e. is it rutting dead people? No, but I’m happy to report that necromancy is something just as tempting as getting physical with dead people. Necromancy is the practice of communicating with the spirits of the dead in order to predict the future, or bringing them back from the afterlife.

I can imagine that bringing people back from the afterlife can be a worth while practice. I could finally see Hendrix smash out some savage guitar licks, have a nice cup of tea with Caesar and find out if the toga was as much fun to wear on a daily basis, and then finally put to rest the real cause of Kurt Cobain’s death. I suppose if it was suicide we will probably have to keep him under observation, be a ball ache if we’d just brought him back and then we get suicide round two.

My plan when I master this misunderstood art is to help families dealing with the passing of relatives. I intend to set up dead reunited. Its kind of like friends reunited with more zombies. This does create quite a few complications. Changing the clarification of zombies would be required as they’re technically the undead, not flesh eating ones but more pensioner zombies like the ones you get in the original Dawn of the Dead. I wasn’t able to find out what kind of condition these people are when they return from the afterlife. Are they rotten? Are they in need of either omelette’s or brain’s? Do they still have to pay tax? What is the shelf life of the reanimation i.e. a week or a month or till they fall to pieces? Can they then be brought back after a previous reanimation? Do they return in a infantile mental state and have to be re-educated? Is it legal to blow them to pieces with a friggin twelve gauge?

This is horse shit, imagine the paperwork needed to sort the previous paragraph. You’d be buried in legal proceedings for years the second one of these grave dodgers emerged from the cremation oven! It would reveal the relatives who were more interested in their elders money rather than company. Tough shit.

The power to predict the future is probably a better avenue to proceed down. Whenever I’d go down to the bookies to place a bet I’d always see a wizard collecting his winnings. Then it hit me, that cocky pick knew the result and was cashing in on his power! That’s why wizards are so bling, flash dressing gowns with large sleeves for stashing cocaine, a wand for pointing out which hooker they want and a Bugatti Veyron on the drive for the weekends.

So how do we perform this ritual?

If you have issues with the following its probably not for you.

Black magic
Sorcery
Bad language
Scenes of a sexual nature
Omelettes

Classical necromancers addressed the dead in “a mixture of high-pitch squeaking and low droning”, comparable to the trance-state mutterings of shamans. The rites must be done during nocturnal hours, and based around a pit with fire. In addition, the ritual has to follow a specific recipe, which included using sacrificial animals’ blood for ghosts to drink, while the leader recites prayers to both the ghosts and gods of the underworld. Be sure to wear the deceased clothing, consumption of unsalted, unleavened black bread and badly fermented grape juice. This symbolizes decay and lifelessness.

Right so we need:-

The book of the dead for chanting purposes (priority)
Petrol for creating a pit of fire
Pig’s blood for the ghosts to chug down
Some Aldi bread that’s been left in an airing cupboard
Lambrini wine
A dead body that’s been dead for at least 12 months

Location?

Often these practices took part in graveyards or in other melancholy venues that suited specific guidelines of the necromancer. So if you’re planning on bringing back Elvis a Burger King would be suitable. Rituals, such as these, could carry on for hours, days, even weeks leading up the summoning of spirits so be sure to keep your schedule clear.

So you’re all set, if you find time can you tell me what next weeks lottery numbers are? I couldn’t for the life of me get this stuff to work, so was reduced to doing something else with the body I dug up. Not my finest moment…….

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