The art of Weight Loss

by El Smit on 21.01.11

Firstly I’d like to say happy new year to one and all, its 2011 people! I’m sure you’ve all had an enjoyable “holiday period”, and by that I mean drink, lots of food and family arguments as a result of spending time together, not female related problems which requires daily underwear alterations…..

Having observed this event many times I feel the thing that stands out the most to me is it’s a very indulgent holiday, its all a bit too much of everything. Maybe you’ve drank too much and scissor kicked your grand farther in the face? Possibly you got PCP in your stocking, tried climbing the nearest tree, lost your balance at the summit, the Christmas tree accidentally crushing your crotch and the standard voltage of some pound store fairy light passing through your teeth! Not likely….

Its food isn’t it? You ate too much fatty! You just couldn’t put down the fork. I can see it now, just one more chocolate, then just one more chicken leg, then just one more steak and ale pie. Before you know it you’re firing out five dumps a day because you found two more meal times between lunch and dinner. Is this such a bad thing you may ask yourself? Well if you like being able to climb stairs, looking at your crotch without the aid of a mirror or parachuting then I guess it is. Lets look at the upsides to being over weight.

1. Er……… it’s easy to maintain
2. You probably wont have to work when it gets really out of hand
3. You wont need to spend hours getting ready for nights out because no amount of make-up and hair products will disguise 30+ stone
4. You’ll save money on taxis as you’re probably confined to the house
5. Washing up is made simple as you finish all your meals, lick the plates, the pans and then probably the inside of the bin clean.
6. Kidnapping is made almost impossible
7. Rape too is unlikely
8. Plenty of time to read books

I was going to write a list of downsides but reviewing the above list I guess it covered both sides of the issue. So what can you do if you want to lose weight. People often get in touch for help and don’t really get what you would call “advice” from El Smit. This time I will do my best! Its simple,

1. You don’t need to go to weight sessions i.e. weight watchers
2. You don’t need to buy into this Subway every day will lose the weight horse shit
3. Weight loss pills are for lazy pant loads
4. Surgery may be an option if you’re titanic sized, but it still leaves scars and costs the state a significant amount of money

The solution is obvious, over weight people tend to tip toe around it and claim they’ve tried everything but they haven’t. Exercise, plain and simple. Go running, walking, even just wanking can help if you need to start small and require some kind of reward at the end. Physical activity is all it takes to get the weight down. If you just walk or run for half an hour or so every day you will soon begin to lose weight bit by bit. Then build it up, start lifting a few weights, then maybe a bit of cycling. Before you know it you’ll be bull fighting with your bare hands, arm wresting sharks and standing on plinths, dressed in a toga shouting “Now what bitch”, true story! I’m sure you already knew exercise is the key, if you’re still over weight, well use the key………